Dance, Drugs and Dukkha

Sometimes it seems that the world is speaking directly to you. Occasionally the coincidences line up in such a pattern that it’s almost spooky. Today, while searching a bit around the internet for info on Buddhism and meditation (a frequent hobby of mine) I found myself on the Wikipedia page for Vipassana, or Insight Meditation. On this page I found a quote that seemed largely unrelated to the topic of the article, but is almost a verbatim copy of an experience I had many years ago.

In order to relate this I will have to give a thorough backstory.

I didn’t spend my very young adulthood seeking ultimate truth through spirituality. Rather, I spent several years looking for the true nature of reality through drugs. I was deeply entrenched in the rave scene in the NJ/NY/PA area. It was in the early 2000’s when the scene was coming off of its peak and beginning to collapse under its own weight.

Still, at 17 years of age and as a college freshman, I was deeply excited by electronic music. When I first started to delve into electronica it was unlike anything I had ever heard. I was fascinated by the complex beats, undulated sounds and rich textures. To my young mind I had discovered “it.” This was the future of music and culture. The rave scene represented a new horizon.

And of course, as with many people in the scene, I also began to experiment with drugs. I had smoked weed some in high school and it had become a regular habit as I went to college at Rutgers. Around the time I arrived at the school Ecstasy (MDMA) was everywhere on campus. It was easier for me to get at 18 than alcohol. My first time trying it was unlike any experience I had ever had. I saw the true beauty of the world, I merged with the moment, lost all sense of time and space, and of course had an amazing time.

Over the next few years I became a regular user, taking an average of 2-3 pills on a single night 1-2 times a month. I also began to experiment with other psychedelics like LSD, Mushrooms, Ketamine, 2-CB and basically anything I could get my hands on that would “enhance” reality. In the summer after my first year of college I also attended my first proper rave. Between my love for electronic music, dancing and drugs, it wasn’t long before raves also became a 1-2 times a month occurrence.

During this time I had some of the most incredible experiences of my life. I was part of a young and vibrant scene, one that seemed to be changing the values of the world. I felt as if I was a neo-hippie, changing the world through dance. I also had the most intense romance of my life with a beautiful young girl who shared my love and passion for the scene and drugs. We danced in clubs, warehouses and homes throughout the tri-state area and even ventured up to Toronto for Hullabaloo and the World Electronic Music Festival. I danced my ass off and had some truly spiritual moments.

In retrospect I can see this time as the beginning of my quest for the ultimate. When I would lose myself on the dancefloor I felt truly connected with the moment, with reality. Time seemed to stand still and those precious moments on the floor were when I felt most alive. But somehow, no matter how many times I did it, no matter how high I was or how long I danced, I was never truly satisfied. I was always left wanting more and left to face the consequences of my actions on my body and mind. I can see now that this was my first teaching in the nature of Dukkha, or unsatisfactoriness. Even the best of experiences are impermanent and clinging to them only amplifies the suffering.

And of course, like all great booms, this time in my life had a major bust. Over time my tolerance to the drugs grew. I would take up to 5 pills at a time and feel little euphoric effect. What was once exciting experience became routine and my drug usage became a pathology. On one occasion my girlfriend totaled her car because she was tripping off 3 hits of E. This didn’t deter me from my habits, but it began to set her on the right path. While I continued to abuse drugs and go to raves, she grew dissatisfied.

Eventually she started to sleep with one of my best friends from high school. Even though most of my friend knew, nobody had the heart to tell me. I was completely oblivious to the fact even though it was right under my nose. My drug-induced stupor blinded me to the reality of my situation. Eventually she left me outright and all I had left were my drugs and some drug friends.

In the aftermath of the breakup my drug use got worse. I was heartbroken and surrounded by friends that didn’t love me as a person, but only saw me as another companion in their love for chemicals. I went to dozens more raves, most of which I can barely remember. The dark blur of this time included several bad trips and ecstasy experiences with comedowns marked by severe neurosis and insomnia. I was becoming severely depressed but was unable to see my own reality through my serotonin and dopamine fueled haze.

Then, finally, after a weekend rave in DC, things began to catch up with me. While driving in my car and smoking a blunt, my friend and I were pulled over. Smelling the weed, the police searched the car and found about half a gram. Fortunately that was all that we had on us. I was arrested, fingerprinted, mug shot and locked up for a few hours. They let me go pending a future trial.

The immediate gravity of this didn’t hit me. Of course it shocked my world, but it didn’t alter my behavior. I continued to smoke , do drugs and go on as usual. Eventually, on Halloween 2003, after three years of heavy drug use I found myself in Brooklyn at what would be my last rave.

Before I tell of my experience, I will go back to the Wikipedia article that I spoke of in the beginning of this post. I’ve quoted it for you to read. It is almost identical to my own experience:

”A striking example of Vipashyana was provided by a student of mine in her early twenties who had been meditating for some time. Since her late teens, she had been a devotee of “raves,” dance parties held at enormous warehouses in our area, attended by literally thousands of young people. Well-known bands are engaged, the music is loud, alcohol and drugs are sometimes consumed, and the dancing goes on until dawn. The atmosphere is said to be usually “mellow” and fun, and the young folks are drawn back to the parties again and again. My student was attending a rave one Saturday night and, for no apparent reason, wanted to feel the cool, the space, and the silence of the night. She left the huge warehouse where the party was happening and walked across an adjacent field onto a a hillock beyond. Turning around, she looked at the building, throbbing with music and blazing with light, packed as it was by several thousand ravers. Suddenly, without warning, it was as if her eyes were opened for the first time and she “saw” the party–so she reported–in all its naked reality. She saw the tremendous desperation of the people inside, their loneliness and hunger, how they had all come there seeking to escape from their suffering. She saw how they had all become predators, preying upon one another, in a fruitless search for happiness. It was an endless game in which, she too, was involved. Overcome by the sorrow and hopelessness of the situation, she broke down and wept. She came to talk to me because, as she said, this experience had shown her something not only about raves, but about life in general, about the many things people do out of their own pain and misery. She told me that she felt, for the first time, the meaning of suffering. She saw her experience as a direct product of her meditation practice and her commitment to her spiritual path. Her experience made her realize, again for the first time, that her meditation was the one anchor in her life and that the spiritual journey she had undertaken was about having her eyes opened, in perhaps shocking and painful ways, to the underpinnings of the seemingly normal, everyday world.” – Ray, Reginald (2002). Indestructible Truth: The Living Spirituality of Tibetan Buddhism.

For me, on my final Halloween rave, psychedelics would finally give me the clarity that I had been seeking. At the beginning of the party I took 2 hits of Acid, as I had done this many times before. As the drugs came on, something seemed different. I looked around at the thousands of party goers feeling as if the veil was being lifted from my eyes. Suddenly, in vivid clarity marked by the hallucinations I looked around and felt sickened.

I saw the raver’s dilated pupils, flushed skin and clenching jaws.  I saw how they ran around like robots, buying and selling drugs, staring off blankly into space. I saw them drowning in their own sweat and collapsing from exhaustion. I looked at them and said to my friend “This is disgusting! How is this allowed to happen?” I wondered how it is that the city could let these events happen. How people could keep coming back to spend time in this degenerate environment. I looked around and realized that I too looked and acted just as disgusting, and had so for years.

As the implications of this set in I wandered around the party confused. I knew that something fundamental I had changed., but I wasn’t sure what. Amidst this I found myself listening to a Drum n’ Bass artist. Unlike most of the performers at the event who were DJ’s, this artist performed live with keyboards and drum machines. As I watched him perform I felt a lightning bolt of inspiration.

I HAVE TO MAKE MUSIC. THIS IS MY PURPOSE ON THIS EARTH!

I had never had a moment of clarity like this. When I told my drug friends about this they laughed at me and dismissed my ridiculous notion. “How can you make a living with music Rob? You’re crazy.”

As the sun rose after the party, I found myself driving home with my friend Jimmy (a much higher caliber human than my other drug friends). Dumbfounded and confused I was silent most of the hour-long drive home. As we sat there driving, without my promoting he said “I don’t think I can do this anymore.” Shocked by his comment, I told him about my experience that night, about my revelations. Somehow, we knew this was the end. After three years, my mind almost refused to believe it, but it would turn out to be the truth.

That night was also the beginning of the end of my friendship with my drug friends. Sensing my change, they began to stop calling me (a blessing in hindsight). A couple of months later I went to trial for my arrest. The way things played out my charges were dropped and my friend got probation. This was the final nail in the coffin of my drug years. I haven’t spoke with him since.

It would take a few more years for me to be fully clean, and a few more after that for me to return to some deeper sense of “happiness.” In 2004 I moved up to Boston to attend the Berklee College of Music. I am  currently working happily in the music industry. My blast of inspiration that night turned out to be correct.

Those two dates (the Halloween Rave and trial) mark the clear ends of a dark chapter in my life. Eventually I discovered yoga and mediation and found a deeper quest for meaning. This would be the catalyst for my ultimate healing and recovery.

As I look back on those years I can’t help but think that in spite of all the pain, I would not be where I am now without those experiences. Through drugs I encountered the true nature of suffering, of impermanence, of emptiness and of not self. My years spent chasing the dragon of happiness through chemicals helped to form a deeper understanding of reality. Having felt the highest of highs and the lowest of lows, I have a unique perspective and well of experience to draw on.

If you read this whole post I would like to give you my sincerest thanks. Honestly, this is just the surface of the full story of my life during this time. Maybe some day I’ll write more about it. But reading the Wiki article today made me want to share some of my feelings from this time. I hope that you found the story interesting. If you have any questions or comments, I would love for you to share them.

Namaste.

3 responses to “Dance, Drugs and Dukkha

  1. i did read it all, and thank you for sharing your story. the night is always darkest before the dawn. so glad you made it through. (:

  2. I can so relate, I once did drugs too, and lived for the band scene in Melbourne in the 80’s. It is an amazing experience when you “see” the party, hey. And when you “see” people in the street. Before they looked “cool”, now you can see and feel their pain, under the cool image, which suddenly appears as fake armour, just like I used to wear. Then the journey begins, how not to preach, how to be in the world with its pain and remain buoyant, how not to go down with it and yet offer something for its healing. God bless you, abide in the light always.. Hands of Light by Barbara Ann Brennan is one of the best books I have ever read. It helped me clear so much karma. Her guide Heyoan says, it’s never about what you did wrong, because all “sin” comes from low self-esteem.. the starting point is, unconditional love for self and others. Realigns everything, hey. Namaste.

  3. Rob,

    Your journey has only just begun. Some people never learn enough to cross the river and enter the promised land. Clearly, you saw the signs early enough, and recognized when to jump to the other side of the river.

    Your story is moving, and energizing and is full of positive light. May others read this and learn from your example.

    Glad I get to sing witcha. Music is the ultimate high, the truest universal connection.

    And love is all you need. John, knew that.

    xoxo,
    yur gurl Amy

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